Daniel's Year in Review
Here's what I learned after the toughest year of my life, and what I'll take into the new year
Hello folks! Happy Friday and welcome to the winter-breakup edition of Inside The Newsroom. We’ll be having a bit of a breather for the next few weeks after a long year, but don’t worry, the job board will be updated each Monday as usual.
A long year is probably an understatement. Some quick maths tell me that this is the 128th newsletter I’ve written/edited in 2021. Like many of you out there, this has easily been the hardest year I’ve experienced.
So today’s newsletter will be a personal reflection of the past 12 months and including my biggest lessons learned that I hope you can takeaway and apply in your own way.
As always, if you have any questions about jobs, journalism or anything at all, please don’t hesitate to get in touch. Thanks for sticking with me in 2021. Happy holidays and see you on the other side!
No Time For Downtime
The holidays are usually a time to do what I’m doing now: reflect on the past year and hopefully feel a sense of achievement and gratitude. So we’ll begin at this time last year, when the virus once again reminded us of its ability to disrupt our lives with harsh realities and consequences.
Here in the UK, we were thrown into chaos with the sudden government announcement that people from different households wouldn’t be able to mix, just days before December 25th. My mum and I both live alone, so the new restrictions — set to come into effect in a matter of hours — meant that we’d have both been forced to spend the next week (and who knew how much longer) alone. What was supposed to be a time to slow down, instantly turned into a race against time.
My mum heroically drove through 90 minutes of London traffic to pick me up so that we could create a bubble, as every nearby train station was completely overrun. Fortunately we made it out in time. Without sounding too much like an episode of The Walking Dead, the same can’t be said for millions of families in the UK and around the world. That didn't stop me from feeling on my own though…
The WSJ Nightmare Continues
As I detailed in May, my departure from the Wall Street Journal was an acrimonious one. Though I left in March, that was merely the tip of what had already taken place.
The Standards team and I had been participating in an awkward email dance since October. Each month they would tell me that I had to shut down Inside The Newsroom in order to continue working for WSJ. I’d then nervously reply that I’d found a way to anonymize the subscription process (as they had requested) and that I would like to discuss it with them.
For December's episode, they decided to drop the hammer on Christmas Eve, via my direct editor who had no knowledge of prior events. Swirling in my head was the thought of losing ITN which I’d been building for years, or stepping away from a career path I’d forged with countless long nights and years at graduate school. I was screaming for help but nobody appeared intent on helping, or even listening.
Fortunately, there would be some joy right around the corner…
Lillie The Beagle
After a frenzied Christmas week, my joy came in the form of Lillie the Beagle, a rescue dog I’d been visiting for the past few weeks, and finally the time came for me to officially adopt my first dog.
Her gorgeous light-brown, black and white fur instantly made her the most beautiful dog I'd ever seen, and hearing about her troubled life broke my heart every time. It really was one of those corny love-at-first-sight moments. Lillie was 10 and had developed some serious guarding and biting tendencies, and had been in and out of different homes for the past three years. Knowing this and despite never actually owning a dog before, I was as determined as ever to be her last owner.
Unfortunately, we only lasted two weeks together before she sank her teeth into my leg, taking a decent chunk of flesh with her. Still, even though it was a mere fortnight, it really did feel like a lifetime that we were together. I still miss her waking me up at 5am, taking her on walks and, yes, even picking up her poop.
Looking back, this is the first big lesson to take forward: Life is fucking crazy and no matter how much you try to please others and keep things under control, external forces have other ideas and agendas. Savour the special moments in real-time instead of waiting until the end of the year.
Let The Paralysis Begin
4:30pm, March 19, 2021. I was finishing up my last emails of the week before four straight days of college basketball mayhem. Sad or not, I plan my entire March around March Madness, in part to eat my own bodyweight in cheap microwave popcorn. But it also gives me that complete escape that we all need every so often.
As if it was minutely planned, another email arrived in my inbox from Standards. Only this time it would be their last: A disciplinary hearing for repeatedly violating company policy as it pertained to running a paid newsletter. So that was it, I thought. Seven months of requests for a meeting and each one completely ignored. I talked to some friends and family that weekend, and the consensus was to get myself the hell out of that place.
One on hand, my decision to remove myself from the situation was a welcome relief. On the other, I learned very quickly that I was only removed on paper. Seven months of living in survival mode over fears of getting fired each day doesn’t go away. That shit stays with you.
I’d spent the past seven years busting my tail off to succeed in journalism, gaining experience and making great connections, and building self-esteem like I'd never felt. But in the blink of an eye, or an email, most of that was stripped away.
So here’s lesson two: rejection is not just a word, it’s a feeling. And it's really fucking real. In the aftermath of leaving, each setback I received felt like the walls around me inched a little closer, forcing me to a complete standstill so that I didn’t make them squeeze further. It was only when I felt the walls couldn’t move any nearer that I realized nothing truly bad happened when I was rejected, whether that was a story pitch, an employer, or even a dog.
In reality, rejection is everything. It’s a tool that forces one to evaluate, reconfigure one’s work, and ultimately callous one’s mind so much that it’s simply a part of the routine. Thanks goes to David Goggins for putting that last one into perspective.
Don't Look Down
The timing of my WSJ departure meant that I could at least try and enjoy the warmer weather while I figured out my next steps. Those next steps didn't involve much: continue to build ITN, play some softball and try to take stock of everything that had just happened.
After eight years of climbing my mountain, I’d finally reached the peak. But instead of having a celebratory beer and enjoying my time in the clouds, all I could do was look down below.
And down below is scary. Every anxiety and insecurity I'd ever experienced seemed to come roaring back. Like waves crashing into the rocks and trying to pull me under, I felt trapped on my little perch. For the first time in my life, I was too scared to move, or even think about moving. Plainly put, I could barely complete a morning's work before the mental paralysis set in.
From all of this, I've come to realize, and accept, that life's mountain is set by our own expectations, not by anything or anyone else. Lowering expectations of ourselves and life, decreases the steepness of the mountain.
I've also realized that there is no peak. There is no "made-it" moment. Heck, there isn't even a bloody mountain.
Asking For Help and Beyond
So what does this all mean aside from reliving my toughest moments? Looking back, I can’t quite believe I experienced all that I did at the same time. For one thing, I’m glad all of it happened.
For most of my life, I’ve taken pride in not asking for help, building independence and believing no problem was too big to solve on my own.
But clearly some issues are too colossal to even know where to start to fix them. And if the events of the past year didn’t take place in 2021, I believe their equivalent would have happened at some point in the future, so better to have them happen when I was 29 instead of far later in life.
So after months of running into the same mental crossroads and falling into the same feedback loops, it became clear I needed professional help. I’d had counseling before, but that was mainly because it was presented to me on a plate free of charge as a graduate student. When it came down to actually walking the walk, I was one of those people that was always too busy and proud to accept I needed help from someone else. But this was different. This time I absolutely needed it.
After just the first session of opening up, I realized asking for help was in fact a sign of strength that I hadn’t been able to previously muster. I was helping myself stop those feedback loops that plagued me. I was taking a step to address the inner struggles, which would help me face the external ones. Receiving professional help has been the best way to move forward, and ultimately the greatest decision I’ve ever made.
As we move into the new year, I’m cannot wait to continue to grow further. And part of that involves delivering more content that focuses on what I’ve learned that will hopefully help you guys grow as well.
Thanks for reading, see you in 2022.